While I always have good intentions about being better with the blog it just doesn't seem to happen...
We are adjusting and settling in as a family of 7. Never thought I'd say that. I was NOT this person that grew up wanting my own soccer team. Don't get me wrong, I always liked kids, worked as a babysitter, camp counselor or teacher and always pictured having them - I just pictured having 2. You know there were 2 kids in my family, 2 kids in my hubby's family and it just seemed, oh, I don't know - normal.
Summer is fun - its nice not to have structure - but then again, I miss the structure and so do the kids. We try to have some structure, but its not quite the same as the routine of the fall and so while we are enjoying the laid back days in the sunshine, we all look forward to fall.
Little Lulu - is in her terrible threes. I know the saying is two but all my kids have been far more terrible at 3. Good thing she's got to be about the cutest thing to ever walk the earth! We are surviving shouts of "That's MINE!" and "I do it MYSELF!". Ah, the toddler/preschool days of expressing independence. Still, surely she will be my last baby and I'm enjoying watching her grow and learn.
Speaking of independence, we're getting that almost teen independence some with the other female bookend. I have to admit that while I hate the 'tude that often accompanies this, getting that typical pre-teen 'tude means a few things for which I am thankful. It means we're comfortable enough to express a less than happy opinion AND it means we understand enough English to be put out. And really, truth be told, I can't complain... I'm sure we've got a lot worse in store as the teen years continue on. After all, I've always said there is nothing in this world like an 8th grade girl.
The boys continue to be the best of friends except when they are brothers - after all a favorite summer pastime of mine was the game "getting a rise out of my sister". Trevor is somehow managing to still fill the rule of boss-man while also learning the great art of annoying his big sister. He's been to drawing camp where he had a blast. He's been making great strides this summer in adapting and moving forward despite his Sensory Processing Disorder. BJ is loving the care-free days of summer since he is, after all, the most care-free in nature. He's one that I think would love summer to last all year and still would not get bored. He's actually maturing and doing something that all little boys fear - thinking about what he does before he does it. Not always, just once in awhile but we'll take what we can get! Easton is tan and ready for more structure. After being the only one forced to endure part-time kindergarten he is itching for the start of full-time school for more reasons than one. Still, lazy days of Lego's and playing with the boys of the neighborhood are a good distraction while he waits.
Me - I'm learning to take breaks - however small.... its a start...
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
My daughter: A picture of amazing, inspiring courage and grace
Really, I can't complain. My newest daughter has amazing courage and a fabulous attitude. Oh sure, there are challenges for us all, but her graciousness and kind and helpful spirit are definitely making even those easier. I remember the extremely difficult time I had moving, WITH MY FAMILY, from the Midwest to the east coast, and I am amazed by her.
Growing from 4-5 has not been very noticeable. The dishwasher needs to be run more frequently, and 5 kids sharing a bathroom (one being a pre-teen girl!) is going to take a few more creative solutions to make it work better, but all in all not near as drastic as doubling 1-2 or 2-4 as in the past.
I'm learning that while silence is golden it can also be challenging. Being older than Behailu, its taking Ayelech longer to pick up on language as well as to gain the confidence of using it. I suspect behind her quiet demeanor lies your average giggly pre-teen girl - that she isn't necessarily quiet by nature but rather by circumstance. Its sometimes tough to live in the silence, and hard to know how much is boredom, grief, fear and plain old pre-teen behavior.
I feel like the bond is growing. Her smile and laughter are amazing gifts. I enjoy the time we spend together and feel like we are relationship in progress.
We've had only one battle of wills so far, though I know others are surely coming - after all, she will turn 13 next year. It is my quote that there is nothing, no nothing on this planet like an 8th grade girl! And that battle, while worth fighting, I can't say I blame her for. With the language barrier she probably thinks I'm absolutely insane. You know you have to have THOSE tests done - after all Behailu has more parasites than the health dept could name when he came home. Those of you who have struggled with them understand the necessity of scooping the poop. However, can you imagine what she writes in her letters about her life in America and her new mom? "This crazy lady wants to collect my poop in little jars!". She's been such a trooper about trying all these new things but this was asking way too much.
Challenges will continue. I'm thankful for the summer that gives us a break to just be - we are working some on language etc but its good to spend lots of time as a family unit. I know that as language increases, bonds and she begins to feel more comfortable, we'll have more challenges and learn more about her tough story. I know that we have to go through that to get to healing.
Right now, at age twelve, my daughter wants to become a Dr. and return to Ethiopia. Some may see that as a heartbreaking sign against seeing this as a home. I don't. I see it as amazing. When she told me that at age 18 she wants to visit Ethiopia, I told her this from the bottom of my heart: "We will 'visit' Ethiopia long even before you are 18. We will go and experience it together. And after you finish High School and College ... if you decide to study to be a Dr. and want to go back to Ethiopia, I will gladly help you - I will connect you with my Ethiopian Dr friend and help you find a job --- I will support you and be proud of you as you become the amazing woman God has planned for you. When you are grown, if your dreams take you far away from me, to Ethiopia, I will be sad but proud of all you are doing. And wherever those dreams may take you -no matter how far or near, you will always have a place here, with us. because you are our daughter, and we love you."
To be continued...
Growing from 4-5 has not been very noticeable. The dishwasher needs to be run more frequently, and 5 kids sharing a bathroom (one being a pre-teen girl!) is going to take a few more creative solutions to make it work better, but all in all not near as drastic as doubling 1-2 or 2-4 as in the past.
I'm learning that while silence is golden it can also be challenging. Being older than Behailu, its taking Ayelech longer to pick up on language as well as to gain the confidence of using it. I suspect behind her quiet demeanor lies your average giggly pre-teen girl - that she isn't necessarily quiet by nature but rather by circumstance. Its sometimes tough to live in the silence, and hard to know how much is boredom, grief, fear and plain old pre-teen behavior.
I feel like the bond is growing. Her smile and laughter are amazing gifts. I enjoy the time we spend together and feel like we are relationship in progress.
We've had only one battle of wills so far, though I know others are surely coming - after all, she will turn 13 next year. It is my quote that there is nothing, no nothing on this planet like an 8th grade girl! And that battle, while worth fighting, I can't say I blame her for. With the language barrier she probably thinks I'm absolutely insane. You know you have to have THOSE tests done - after all Behailu has more parasites than the health dept could name when he came home. Those of you who have struggled with them understand the necessity of scooping the poop. However, can you imagine what she writes in her letters about her life in America and her new mom? "This crazy lady wants to collect my poop in little jars!". She's been such a trooper about trying all these new things but this was asking way too much.
Challenges will continue. I'm thankful for the summer that gives us a break to just be - we are working some on language etc but its good to spend lots of time as a family unit. I know that as language increases, bonds and she begins to feel more comfortable, we'll have more challenges and learn more about her tough story. I know that we have to go through that to get to healing.
Right now, at age twelve, my daughter wants to become a Dr. and return to Ethiopia. Some may see that as a heartbreaking sign against seeing this as a home. I don't. I see it as amazing. When she told me that at age 18 she wants to visit Ethiopia, I told her this from the bottom of my heart: "We will 'visit' Ethiopia long even before you are 18. We will go and experience it together. And after you finish High School and College ... if you decide to study to be a Dr. and want to go back to Ethiopia, I will gladly help you - I will connect you with my Ethiopian Dr friend and help you find a job --- I will support you and be proud of you as you become the amazing woman God has planned for you. When you are grown, if your dreams take you far away from me, to Ethiopia, I will be sad but proud of all you are doing. And wherever those dreams may take you -no matter how far or near, you will always have a place here, with us. because you are our daughter, and we love you."
To be continued...
Monday, June 21, 2010
An Update: kinda
Wow - its been a long time. Its amazing how this gets away from me. I promise a lot more later. So much has happened, and I haven't the time to do it justice. For now, we are home. Ayelech is amazing. Her strength and still there is a sweetness of spirit. We're in the honeymoon period I'm sure, but I'm also sure this is one amazing daughter I have here. Ethiopia, I miss you. So amazingly wonderful to be back there, visiting friends old and new. How I miss you already!
Monday, May 3, 2010
Beaming!
Writing these letters to your hopefully going to be 12ish year old daughter whom you've never met and speaks another language from another culture is really hard. It's hard to know where to begin or what to say, and when you think of something, then you over-analyze that. Will she feel like that places expectations upon her? Will it make her feel left out? If we sign it Mom and Dad are we assuming too much? If we sign it Dave & Karen are we holding her too far away? Really, its agonizing. These monthly letters have been going on for a few months now, and really they never get easier.
However, today, we got a few lines back that she asked be sent to us and it was the most amazing gift. There was a connection in those emailed words through translators, if you can believe that. Her words changed this time, her face changed, her tone changed... and it melted my heart instantly.
The road ahead is getting shorter but the journey is still going to be a difficult one. Still, the foundation is already being built, amazingly, through a few translated words over email. Court in 10 days...
However, today, we got a few lines back that she asked be sent to us and it was the most amazing gift. There was a connection in those emailed words through translators, if you can believe that. Her words changed this time, her face changed, her tone changed... and it melted my heart instantly.
The road ahead is getting shorter but the journey is still going to be a difficult one. Still, the foundation is already being built, amazingly, through a few translated words over email. Court in 10 days...
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Want a little cheese with your whine?
Right now I'm feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. It's hard to watch our children hurting. I don't like to watch any of my children when they hurt. It's different though, when my unique child gets hurt. He's not like the rest of us - he's different. And mostly I don't whine about it - I celebrate it! I generally would rather be unique than typical. It's an amazing gift to be one of a kind! But, sometimes, just once in awhile... don't you just wish to be like everyone else?
Mostly, my boy doesn't even seem to take note of his differences. He lives in happy oblivion, and I think that's great! Because the part that is so heartbreaking is when he realizes his uniqueness, and wishes he wasn't. The one area he seems to be massively self-conscious is in getting hurt. He gets hurt a lot. You could label him clumsy. His Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) makes it tough for him to manage his body in space and it also gives him balance issues. His sensitivity also makes all touch painful to some extent. He's still learning to talk about how he feels. All of this has made him very aware that other kids in his class, they aren't getting huge welts on their heads from falling - frequently. They aren't covered in bruises and missing chairs and walking into doorways. They aren't crying because someone pushed them from behind in line. He's aware of this, and it crushes him when he gets hurt - not only the pain of the injury, or the fact that he is so sensitive to touch but also because he's embarrassed. In just a few months, this is his 3rd HUGE goose egg on his head - all occurring in very public places - at school, at a birthday party and today in class at church. His anxiety disorder then makes it hard for him to deal and process this kind of accident.
Never mind that TODAY wasn't even his fault. Some other kid was messing around behind him and in some freak accident a heavy shelf became dislodged and my son just happened to be sitting underneath it and never saw it coming. It feels the same to him. It wasn't the other kids fault - it wasn't the teachers fault - it was just an accident. But frankly it sucks. It sucks to have to sit there and explain to this stranger why my son is reacting the way he does - how do you give a crash course in SPD in minutes? Due to his neurological issues, my son can't tell me how he is feeling, and due to his SPD its hard to gauge from his reaction how severe the pain is. So I have to assess by using MY senses. What can I see - a large goose egg, a small cut. Cut doesn't need stitches. I need to know from who was there at the time, did you see any disorientation, did he ever lose consciousness? Were there any signs of concussion? But to get answers to this, I have to back track and try to explain why its different - why its important to know this stuff with THIS kid. Which is not this poor teachers fault - why would he know about these issues? And then, I don't blame my son for wanting to be typical sometimes, because even I'm thinking it wouldn't be like this with my other kids. Oh there are tears, and as a mother I fear that something more could be wrong etc etc. But it is different... its just completely different when I've dealt with the injuries of the other kids because the other kids react and deal with and handle it better and can tell me what they are feeling and how they are hurting and its just easier to asses the situation then.
Of course, when you decide we'll keep him on observation instead of immediate medical attention - you're still dealing with the anxiety attack its caused. And collecting and gathering the tired two-year old princess who is not cooperating, the angry preschooler and the silly boy and I don't know whether to scream or cry but I know that I have to make it home... and this Pastor's wife wishes that everyone would stop being so darn friendly at church because I don't want to talk and answer your questions and receive your well-wishes. I have to get the toddler down for a nap and the child with anxiety wrapped in a blanket taco quieting himself alone in his quiet room. And I really, really do not want to explain to you WHY my son is reacting this way and WHAT has happened and generally educate you on SPD and his other diagnosis. Other days and times - absolutely - I would be happy to share with you and educate you but right now, in the middle of this mess, I really can't, won't. So forgive me for being short and either help or get out of my way!
We are home now, and everyone is calming down and things are getting back to normal. The princess is asleep, the middle two are in play-rest (aka quiet time) and my other son is in his taco with his favorite TV show... and I, I thank you for listening to my little pity-party. As my Grandmother always said - "this too shall pass".
Mostly, my boy doesn't even seem to take note of his differences. He lives in happy oblivion, and I think that's great! Because the part that is so heartbreaking is when he realizes his uniqueness, and wishes he wasn't. The one area he seems to be massively self-conscious is in getting hurt. He gets hurt a lot. You could label him clumsy. His Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) makes it tough for him to manage his body in space and it also gives him balance issues. His sensitivity also makes all touch painful to some extent. He's still learning to talk about how he feels. All of this has made him very aware that other kids in his class, they aren't getting huge welts on their heads from falling - frequently. They aren't covered in bruises and missing chairs and walking into doorways. They aren't crying because someone pushed them from behind in line. He's aware of this, and it crushes him when he gets hurt - not only the pain of the injury, or the fact that he is so sensitive to touch but also because he's embarrassed. In just a few months, this is his 3rd HUGE goose egg on his head - all occurring in very public places - at school, at a birthday party and today in class at church. His anxiety disorder then makes it hard for him to deal and process this kind of accident.
Never mind that TODAY wasn't even his fault. Some other kid was messing around behind him and in some freak accident a heavy shelf became dislodged and my son just happened to be sitting underneath it and never saw it coming. It feels the same to him. It wasn't the other kids fault - it wasn't the teachers fault - it was just an accident. But frankly it sucks. It sucks to have to sit there and explain to this stranger why my son is reacting the way he does - how do you give a crash course in SPD in minutes? Due to his neurological issues, my son can't tell me how he is feeling, and due to his SPD its hard to gauge from his reaction how severe the pain is. So I have to assess by using MY senses. What can I see - a large goose egg, a small cut. Cut doesn't need stitches. I need to know from who was there at the time, did you see any disorientation, did he ever lose consciousness? Were there any signs of concussion? But to get answers to this, I have to back track and try to explain why its different - why its important to know this stuff with THIS kid. Which is not this poor teachers fault - why would he know about these issues? And then, I don't blame my son for wanting to be typical sometimes, because even I'm thinking it wouldn't be like this with my other kids. Oh there are tears, and as a mother I fear that something more could be wrong etc etc. But it is different... its just completely different when I've dealt with the injuries of the other kids because the other kids react and deal with and handle it better and can tell me what they are feeling and how they are hurting and its just easier to asses the situation then.
Of course, when you decide we'll keep him on observation instead of immediate medical attention - you're still dealing with the anxiety attack its caused. And collecting and gathering the tired two-year old princess who is not cooperating, the angry preschooler and the silly boy and I don't know whether to scream or cry but I know that I have to make it home... and this Pastor's wife wishes that everyone would stop being so darn friendly at church because I don't want to talk and answer your questions and receive your well-wishes. I have to get the toddler down for a nap and the child with anxiety wrapped in a blanket taco quieting himself alone in his quiet room. And I really, really do not want to explain to you WHY my son is reacting this way and WHAT has happened and generally educate you on SPD and his other diagnosis. Other days and times - absolutely - I would be happy to share with you and educate you but right now, in the middle of this mess, I really can't, won't. So forgive me for being short and either help or get out of my way!
We are home now, and everyone is calming down and things are getting back to normal. The princess is asleep, the middle two are in play-rest (aka quiet time) and my other son is in his taco with his favorite TV show... and I, I thank you for listening to my little pity-party. As my Grandmother always said - "this too shall pass".
Friday, April 30, 2010
2 weeks
Two weeks until our first court date. I remember all these same feelings from nearing the end of the adoption process with the other kids, but somehow, I'm feeling equally unprepared. The anticipation is overwhelming at times. The fear of the unknown. The excitement of getting close to the first meeting. The stress of trying to prepare to leave four kids at home with the grandparents for a couple of weeks. The frustration of having the future "up in the air" and unplanned. The disappointment of waiting longer than you hoped. The hesitation on those days when I don't feel like I'm being the mother I want to be with the 4 I already have. The organizing, as if somehow these tasks that keep me busy while I wait will somehow relieve the anxiety, hope, fear, joy, anticipation, hesitation, excitement, disappointment...
Sunday, April 18, 2010
can't wait to know...
As I sit here in the family room - watching the kids play instead of unloading the dishwasher - I'm amazed by the scene. Trevor working on making a calendar, BJ & Easton playing cars and talking about all the sports cars they are going to own when they grow up (oh yeah - can't wait for that! The thought of the two of them driving is a pretty terrifying one!) and Kenzie taking orders and cooking us all up a great imaginary meal... and I wonder... where will my oldest daughter be? What will she choose to be doing on this slow morning? I can't wait to know her, and find out...
Thursday, April 15, 2010
life is good
I have started this post several times and I can't seem to be satisfied with it. I have a biological child and a child adopted from Russia and two (and almost 3) adopted from Ethiopia. This fact is a part of the make-up of our family, and yet it isn't something that singularly defines us. Sure, adoption presents challenges... my kids have already been through more than many Americans have seen in a lifetime. Its true that a lot of those challenges still affect our day to day. However, that doesn't make them any less my kids, my loves, my babies (though the older boys might like to dispute this!). My heart breaks with their sorrows and leaps with their successes. I take joy as they grow in learning more about who they are, and they are wonderful!
The reality of our daily life is so far from perfect - because we are so far from being perfect parents and yes, they are far from perfectly behaved children. I wouldn't have it any other way. Our family gets lots of practice with grace and forgiveness. We get on each others nerves, we press each others buttons. Sometimes we regret our choices and our actions. However, we LOVE each other. We really are a party wherever we go! The boys really are each others best friends. Lulu is a princess who is spoiled and loved by all. Everyone is excited for a new older sister, and we're all trying to fight any expectations so we can give her the freedom to be who she is. We have our fair share of struggles but we're filled with joys too - Kenzie starting to talk, Easton's peaceful smile when you tell him you are proud of him, Behailu when he's laughing, Trevor when he wants to snuggle and Ayelech sharing a shy smile. Life is not perfect, but it sure is good.
The reality of our daily life is so far from perfect - because we are so far from being perfect parents and yes, they are far from perfectly behaved children. I wouldn't have it any other way. Our family gets lots of practice with grace and forgiveness. We get on each others nerves, we press each others buttons. Sometimes we regret our choices and our actions. However, we LOVE each other. We really are a party wherever we go! The boys really are each others best friends. Lulu is a princess who is spoiled and loved by all. Everyone is excited for a new older sister, and we're all trying to fight any expectations so we can give her the freedom to be who she is. We have our fair share of struggles but we're filled with joys too - Kenzie starting to talk, Easton's peaceful smile when you tell him you are proud of him, Behailu when he's laughing, Trevor when he wants to snuggle and Ayelech sharing a shy smile. Life is not perfect, but it sure is good.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Wins!
We've had some wins lately! All of my wonderful kiddos have their own unique obstacles to overcome and they've all been making big strides and working super hard and making amazing breakthroughs! Its good to focus on the fun and lately life has been pretty good!
Trev - has a long story but suffice it say he's got a high IQ and I don't say that in a bragging way since, I've learned you can be so smart its heartbreaking at times. Anyway, no surprise that his teacher is nominating him for the gifted and talented program next year. The amazing part was more in Trevor's excitement and can-do attitude! He's gaining confidence which is super awesome to see and he's starting to find adaptations that can ease his anxiety before it even occurs. Way to go Trevor - its so awesome to watch you growing right into yourself and smiling along the way! What a difference a year makes!
Beej - has come a long way. Man, to think of the things he was struggling with still 6 & 12 months ago and his successes! Beej has not been in trouble at lunch for months and its been weeks since he got caught lying! He's so well-liked and joyful, you can't help but be happy around him! To think that just 2 years ago he was just beginning to learn English and now he's in the top reading group at school! What an awesome kid!
ET - is really working on his reactions. The things he has been able to learn now that he can better control his behavior - just recently his handwriting has improved drastically, he can now tie his own shoes, last night he played several games with the family at one sitting and he has more patience in general for any task at hand. And bonus, we actually get to see him more because he's not constantly in time-out or in his room screaming. What fun! Its awesome to start to see his smile as he realizes and is proud of the things he's been accomplishing too!
Lulu - is really getting quite an understandable vocabulary! It is such a joy to be able to understand most of what she's trying to communicate! It's also awesome to watch her personality come out. She's very determined and independent, but at the same time patient with herself. She's also caring of others - bringing her brothers tissues when they cry or giving a smile and a hug when they are sad. Wish me luck in potty-training, little independent missy hasn't yet embraced the benefits of that yet...
Dave and I are enjoying lots of different blessings - all these four and their wins are some of the most fun! I know a lot of folks think I'm crazy but even when I'm frustrated I wouldn't change a thing about my life - I feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world spending my days with this crew!
Trev - has a long story but suffice it say he's got a high IQ and I don't say that in a bragging way since, I've learned you can be so smart its heartbreaking at times. Anyway, no surprise that his teacher is nominating him for the gifted and talented program next year. The amazing part was more in Trevor's excitement and can-do attitude! He's gaining confidence which is super awesome to see and he's starting to find adaptations that can ease his anxiety before it even occurs. Way to go Trevor - its so awesome to watch you growing right into yourself and smiling along the way! What a difference a year makes!
Beej - has come a long way. Man, to think of the things he was struggling with still 6 & 12 months ago and his successes! Beej has not been in trouble at lunch for months and its been weeks since he got caught lying! He's so well-liked and joyful, you can't help but be happy around him! To think that just 2 years ago he was just beginning to learn English and now he's in the top reading group at school! What an awesome kid!
ET - is really working on his reactions. The things he has been able to learn now that he can better control his behavior - just recently his handwriting has improved drastically, he can now tie his own shoes, last night he played several games with the family at one sitting and he has more patience in general for any task at hand. And bonus, we actually get to see him more because he's not constantly in time-out or in his room screaming. What fun! Its awesome to start to see his smile as he realizes and is proud of the things he's been accomplishing too!
Lulu - is really getting quite an understandable vocabulary! It is such a joy to be able to understand most of what she's trying to communicate! It's also awesome to watch her personality come out. She's very determined and independent, but at the same time patient with herself. She's also caring of others - bringing her brothers tissues when they cry or giving a smile and a hug when they are sad. Wish me luck in potty-training, little independent missy hasn't yet embraced the benefits of that yet...
Dave and I are enjoying lots of different blessings - all these four and their wins are some of the most fun! I know a lot of folks think I'm crazy but even when I'm frustrated I wouldn't change a thing about my life - I feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world spending my days with this crew!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Peace (part 2)
So, I wanted to put a little addendum to the previous post. That's all true... after freaking for a day, I am at peace with the unknown in the process again. There is a little more to the story.
I'm not going to get on my soapbox, but suffice it to say that I am all for a process that protects children from harm and makes it harder for people - whether they be potential adoptive families, agencies, government officials - to act unethically. There is a peace in understanding WHY the changes are necessary.
Also, I can't help but look on the bright side. In the large scheme of things, this is not a very difficult "change" to swallow. I've seen a lot worse changes take place in the midst of adoption processes. From wait time's that become years, to natural disasters, to requirements changing that you have to spend months living in the foreign country to absolute closures. In light of all these possibilities, if all I have to do is take two trips -- I'll count myself lucky.
To be real, I'd rather NOT make the 2 trips - its a lot more money than we were expecting and its hard to be away from the kids at home and to find care for the kids at home once let alone twice, and had we known we would have budgeted vacation time differently, and its hard to leave her. What about my daughter? I'm going to whine about process and my daughter has been sitting in an orphanage for the last two years, lots of other difficult losses prior to that, has to leave all she has ever known and join a new family half a world away? There's a little perspective...
And there really are a lot of great things - more time in Ethiopia and getting to hug my daughter weeks before I ever thought I would. Those joys are still precious and worth being thankful for. Plus, it all ends with the amazing blessing of a tween/teen daughter. Think I'll just count my blessings....
I'm not going to get on my soapbox, but suffice it to say that I am all for a process that protects children from harm and makes it harder for people - whether they be potential adoptive families, agencies, government officials - to act unethically. There is a peace in understanding WHY the changes are necessary.
Also, I can't help but look on the bright side. In the large scheme of things, this is not a very difficult "change" to swallow. I've seen a lot worse changes take place in the midst of adoption processes. From wait time's that become years, to natural disasters, to requirements changing that you have to spend months living in the foreign country to absolute closures. In light of all these possibilities, if all I have to do is take two trips -- I'll count myself lucky.
To be real, I'd rather NOT make the 2 trips - its a lot more money than we were expecting and its hard to be away from the kids at home and to find care for the kids at home once let alone twice, and had we known we would have budgeted vacation time differently, and its hard to leave her. What about my daughter? I'm going to whine about process and my daughter has been sitting in an orphanage for the last two years, lots of other difficult losses prior to that, has to leave all she has ever known and join a new family half a world away? There's a little perspective...
And there really are a lot of great things - more time in Ethiopia and getting to hug my daughter weeks before I ever thought I would. Those joys are still precious and worth being thankful for. Plus, it all ends with the amazing blessing of a tween/teen daughter. Think I'll just count my blessings....
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Peace without a plan
Honestly, when I first heard the changes in Ethiopian adoptions, I'll admit it, I freaked. I'm a planner. Granted, I often don't FOLLOW the plan (enter my friend ms. constant procrastinator), but its a comfort to HAVE a plan. This being our third adoption & 4th adopted child, I know that this sense of needing to plan ahead doesn't mesh well with the overall process. There are ALWAYS unknowns - and I always freak at the end of the process when I get the call to book travel just two weeks later - as if I didn't know it was coming?! But, the quicker I get the plans made - the quicker I feel better.
With these changes, and where we are in the process, I've had to learn to make peace without a plan. Funny how God knows just the ways you need to grow, eh? Will we need to make 1 or 2 trips? Unknown. 50/50. Any one's guess. Can't much plan when you don't know what you're planning for, right?
And so in my day of freaking, I was mostly freaking over childcare for the 4 others here at home. I can't really make a solid plan since I don't know how many trips or when they are. BUT, I was able to make plans A, B & C... in that order since I learned in the first adoption that consistency of care for those at home is one of the keys to their smooth transitions. In the process of making plans A, B & C - not only did I find the peace of knowing SOMEHOW it will all work out, I was reminded that I am hugely blessed, and it's one of the reasons we adopt in the first place. That's just it - it will eventually happen... no matter the number of trips and amount it costs... we are backed by a whole network of family and friends that will also do anything they can to bring her home.
Now, I look at my future daughter, and I remember why I'm doing this, I remember what I know the end result to be, and I'm reminded that I would go to the ends of the earth and back for this child - and I wouldn't be alone on the journey... and in that plan-less state... I have found amazing peace with whatever and whenever it goes from here.
With these changes, and where we are in the process, I've had to learn to make peace without a plan. Funny how God knows just the ways you need to grow, eh? Will we need to make 1 or 2 trips? Unknown. 50/50. Any one's guess. Can't much plan when you don't know what you're planning for, right?
And so in my day of freaking, I was mostly freaking over childcare for the 4 others here at home. I can't really make a solid plan since I don't know how many trips or when they are. BUT, I was able to make plans A, B & C... in that order since I learned in the first adoption that consistency of care for those at home is one of the keys to their smooth transitions. In the process of making plans A, B & C - not only did I find the peace of knowing SOMEHOW it will all work out, I was reminded that I am hugely blessed, and it's one of the reasons we adopt in the first place. That's just it - it will eventually happen... no matter the number of trips and amount it costs... we are backed by a whole network of family and friends that will also do anything they can to bring her home.
Now, I look at my future daughter, and I remember why I'm doing this, I remember what I know the end result to be, and I'm reminded that I would go to the ends of the earth and back for this child - and I wouldn't be alone on the journey... and in that plan-less state... I have found amazing peace with whatever and whenever it goes from here.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
wisdom
I used to think that as I got older, I would grow wiser. As a young person, I could never understand how some people could do some things. I was judgemental of them - their lives, their character. Now I'm wise enough to know that I may not understand but that even I make mistakes that my younger self never would have understood or believed. I've learned that one of my biggest mistakes was thinking "I would never do that". I've learned a lot about grace. I've learned about rock bottom, and the end of my rope. I've realized I have a lot to be thankful that I don't have first hand experience with. I've learned a lot about grace. And forgiveness. And hurt. And pain. I've learned about feeling helpless and needing help and being a helper. I've learned... that I still have a lot to learn.
If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all...
I'm constantly inundated with well meaning people and comments, which is ironic, since I'm the kind of person that is 'socially challenged' and awful at small talk. I'd have to say the hardest part of being the mom of this unique family is that it seems to make people think that they should comment. Honestly, I've heard the horror stories - some people encounter awful and ugly comments. No doubt my day will eventually come, but I've not experienced any of these. No, I can tell that all the comments are very well-meaning. Really, I've gotten all the classics and then some and I get them every day. I'm generally pretty sarcastic so given that mostly these comments come from acquaintances or strangers I have to bite a pretty big hole in my tongue - my natural reaction is not so polite.
One of my faves is the "Wow, I don't know how you do it!". Do what??? Don't know how I live my life? Let's see, don't know how I parent 4 children? Don't know how I adopt? Deal with these particular 4 kids? be a mom in a bi-racial family? feed my children? do the laundry? Don't know how I do what exactly, because I've yet to come up with an answer to what that "it" is that is actually not a huge insult in disguise. What they really mean, I think, is "I'm really glad I'm not you, because I could never do it." Also pretty big insult, despite the fact that they seem to make this comment with a bit of admiration. The thing is "you" COULD do "it", you just don't WANT to. While I wish these comments were really kept to yourself, I do try to focus on that admiration piece. Let's face it - there are plenty of folks that I admire, respect and are even grateful for what they are sacrificing and giving the world with their lives - and I'd never want to exchange my life with theirs because while I COULD do it, I'd be miserable. Course, I don't go around telling them "Wow, I don't know HOW you do it?!?" but still, they do mean well at least.
The other thing I think with this type of comment is that I really don't deserve it - the admiration, that is. If you only knew, whatever "it" is, what I know is that it isn't really THAT hard. Hard to love and be blessed by 4 (almost 5!) children? Getting to spend my days with them, watching them grow? Even the "work" has benefits, and if I - quite possibly the worst 'homemaker' on planet earth can do it, anyone can do it. Sure there are many of them and the 3 boys are really close in age and they each have their challenges but there is a lot that's easier. For example, its true that almost every night there is someone unhappy about what's for dinner - but the flip side is that no matter what there is someone who is! I also don't have to seek out play dates or activities - we are a party wherever we are. While peace and quite are rare here - so is loneliness and boredom. Sure, I'm not gonna lie. My family can drive me absolutely insane. I fail routinely in being the wife and mother I envision I'd like to be. I love my crazy life!
The comment that often follows "I don't know how you do it!" is "They are blessed to have you". Well, now I know you mean well but are really clueless - because that's just it - how do I do it? Because I'm blessed to have them...
One of my faves is the "Wow, I don't know how you do it!". Do what??? Don't know how I live my life? Let's see, don't know how I parent 4 children? Don't know how I adopt? Deal with these particular 4 kids? be a mom in a bi-racial family? feed my children? do the laundry? Don't know how I do what exactly, because I've yet to come up with an answer to what that "it" is that is actually not a huge insult in disguise. What they really mean, I think, is "I'm really glad I'm not you, because I could never do it." Also pretty big insult, despite the fact that they seem to make this comment with a bit of admiration. The thing is "you" COULD do "it", you just don't WANT to. While I wish these comments were really kept to yourself, I do try to focus on that admiration piece. Let's face it - there are plenty of folks that I admire, respect and are even grateful for what they are sacrificing and giving the world with their lives - and I'd never want to exchange my life with theirs because while I COULD do it, I'd be miserable. Course, I don't go around telling them "Wow, I don't know HOW you do it?!?" but still, they do mean well at least.
The other thing I think with this type of comment is that I really don't deserve it - the admiration, that is. If you only knew, whatever "it" is, what I know is that it isn't really THAT hard. Hard to love and be blessed by 4 (almost 5!) children? Getting to spend my days with them, watching them grow? Even the "work" has benefits, and if I - quite possibly the worst 'homemaker' on planet earth can do it, anyone can do it. Sure there are many of them and the 3 boys are really close in age and they each have their challenges but there is a lot that's easier. For example, its true that almost every night there is someone unhappy about what's for dinner - but the flip side is that no matter what there is someone who is! I also don't have to seek out play dates or activities - we are a party wherever we are. While peace and quite are rare here - so is loneliness and boredom. Sure, I'm not gonna lie. My family can drive me absolutely insane. I fail routinely in being the wife and mother I envision I'd like to be. I love my crazy life!
The comment that often follows "I don't know how you do it!" is "They are blessed to have you". Well, now I know you mean well but are really clueless - because that's just it - how do I do it? Because I'm blessed to have them...
Friday, March 5, 2010
I'm Ready...
I'm so ready to go back to Ethiopia. Last time I was there, I left a piece of my heart. Now, I have a daughter there, too. I'm ready to go back. I saw a wonderful video of her and I just long to be back. I'm so past ready. I can't post the video here, but I assure you, its amazing... SHE is amazing. I am in awe of her already. I don't know her age - 11-15? I don't know much about her, but I love her and I'm ready. I've supported friends on mission trips, I've celebrated with friends who traveled to bring home daughters and sons and I was honored to do so. Now, I'm ready, ready to go back, to be back. Now, my heart longs to be there...
After 2 years, I still can't really put my feelings into words - this song by Sara Groves comes the best of anything I've seen...
I Saw What I Saw by Sara Groves
I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it
Something on the road, cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
And what I know of love
We've done what we've done and we can't erase it
We are what we are and it's more than enough
We have what we have but it's no substitution
Something on the road, cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
And what I know of love
I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have but I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction
Something on the road, cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
And what I know of love
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
Your courage asks me what I am made of
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
And what I know of love
And what I know of God
After 2 years, I still can't really put my feelings into words - this song by Sara Groves comes the best of anything I've seen...
I Saw What I Saw by Sara Groves
I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it
Something on the road, cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
And what I know of love
We've done what we've done and we can't erase it
We are what we are and it's more than enough
We have what we have but it's no substitution
Something on the road, cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
And what I know of love
I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have but I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction
Something on the road, cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
And what I know of love
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
Your courage asks me what I am made of
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
And what I know of love
And what I know of God
Friday, February 19, 2010
twins?
I've somewhat gotten accustomed to being stared at in public. I still don't like it - I'm quite content to be the wallflower and absolutely despise being the center of attention, but I've accepted that my family seems to draw attention in public. I've actually gotten quite adept at ignoring it... its often pretty easy to do as four children can be a bit preoccupying anyway. That is I can ignore it until someone decides to actually force themselves inside my bubble by talking to me. I despise talking to strangers and making small talk almost as much as I don't like being the center of attention. However, while my family seems to draw frequent comment from the "public" at large, I try to focus on the fact that generally, the comments are at least, well meaning.
When I had just Trevor and Easton and they were little and sitting in the double stroller, I frequently got questioned as to whether they were twins. Of course, I don't see much of a resemblance, they are 17 months apart and when they were young like that Trevor was at the top of the height and weight scales and Easton not even on the charts. Oh, and of course they are not even biologically related. But I chalked it up to them sitting in a double stroller - harder to tell height etc and they looked about the same size? I haven't gotten that comment since that time. Trevor is now more average on the charts and Easton is still barely hanging on the bottom of the charts and, I think, they look even less alike as their features really come out.
So, imagine my surprise when a woman I hadn't previously noticed came up at lunch the other day and said "I apologize for staring, but are they twins?" I'm presuming that she was talking about Trevor and Easton again - though, "they" in a sea of 4 children is kinda nondescript. I figure that because I'm giving her the credit of noticing that the other two children are African. Now, its possible that she thought they were twins.... they at least are the two that are actually biologically related and do have similar traits - but TWINS? They are 7 and 2. Kenzie is in a highchair and BJ is clearly not a baby anymore. So, I'm guessing that she didn't think it was them. However, with Easton and Trevor you're back to the fact that while they are closer in size with Easton being so tiny there is still like a 2 size clothing difference - a pretty noticeable difference in age, I feel. But, whatever.
So, not knowing who she was talking about for sure, I bury all the sarcastic things that pop into my head and instead answer "No, all three of the boys are only 17 months apart". To which the woman answers "Way to go, mom!". Thankfully she walks away at this point because I have even less of an idea on what to say to that...
When I had just Trevor and Easton and they were little and sitting in the double stroller, I frequently got questioned as to whether they were twins. Of course, I don't see much of a resemblance, they are 17 months apart and when they were young like that Trevor was at the top of the height and weight scales and Easton not even on the charts. Oh, and of course they are not even biologically related. But I chalked it up to them sitting in a double stroller - harder to tell height etc and they looked about the same size? I haven't gotten that comment since that time. Trevor is now more average on the charts and Easton is still barely hanging on the bottom of the charts and, I think, they look even less alike as their features really come out.
So, imagine my surprise when a woman I hadn't previously noticed came up at lunch the other day and said "I apologize for staring, but are they twins?" I'm presuming that she was talking about Trevor and Easton again - though, "they" in a sea of 4 children is kinda nondescript. I figure that because I'm giving her the credit of noticing that the other two children are African. Now, its possible that she thought they were twins.... they at least are the two that are actually biologically related and do have similar traits - but TWINS? They are 7 and 2. Kenzie is in a highchair and BJ is clearly not a baby anymore. So, I'm guessing that she didn't think it was them. However, with Easton and Trevor you're back to the fact that while they are closer in size with Easton being so tiny there is still like a 2 size clothing difference - a pretty noticeable difference in age, I feel. But, whatever.
So, not knowing who she was talking about for sure, I bury all the sarcastic things that pop into my head and instead answer "No, all three of the boys are only 17 months apart". To which the woman answers "Way to go, mom!". Thankfully she walks away at this point because I have even less of an idea on what to say to that...
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Where to start?
I'm trying to write the second letter to our daughter. I'm trying, but its hard to start. I second guess everything. I'm walking a fine line - what does she want to hear? Do you write about what you ate for dinner and the errands you ran today... probably not. Do you write about celebrating Trevor's birthday and the overnight trip to visit the aunt and uncle? Do you write about what you're feeling or wonder aloud about what she must be going through? Do you try be supportive, but does that ignore the fact that really you're still a stranger? Do you be serious or funny? What does one say to a 11-13 year old girl, who speaks another language, lives in another culture - is hopefully going to be your daughter but for now is just learning about her new family?
I check my words, I re-phrase, I type and then delete and second guess right up to the deadline - and then I hope and pray It's good. I hope and pray that she understands that we love her already, but that its OK that she probably doesn't love us yet. I hope and pray that my best intentions come through despite all the challenges. I hope and pray that she does not feel any expectations but understand that we're excited to get to know her and that she can be herself, whatever that may be.
Patience - I'm forever telling my kids that its a virtue and yet that doesn't seem to help me attain it anymore than it helps them. So I've been thinking about how I tend to keep my level head at the end of these adoptions, when I battle the impatience all the time.
I realized today that I constantly remember that my joy is tempered with sadness and loss, and knowing that helps my patience. Adoption is definitely about joy and love and family and fun and all kinds of good and warm feelings for everyone involved. And right now, I am overjoyed to be beginning the final phase and getting that much closer to having my daughter home. However, I also know too well though, that adoption is also about loss and pain and sadness, struggle and injustice for everyone involved. So, right now, I am also burdened imagining what my daughter is going through, having just learned about a new family and the joy I hope that brings, but also knowing that it must bring fear of the unknown, sadness and loss of leaving all that she has ever known. I can't imagine that now - let alone at age 11-13. Without divulging her story I also think of her remaining family member - and all the same joy and sadness they are feeling. Remembering this - remembering all that is processing now, gives me an odd patience, knowing that time is good to help the brain and the heart move in a new direction.
Patience also comes in the trust I have to place in my agency and their staff. The fact is, I've never met my daughter, but they have a relationship with her. That, plus the fact that they have helped transition lots of other children gives them wisdom from past experiences. I believe that these folks - especially the in-country staff - honestly want what is best for my daughter. They are working hard to move the process forward. And, I remember that as frustrating as all the red tape is, it too is important. That structure in the long run is what keeps children safe, protected and the process by which to do everything everyone can to make sure that this is really the best thing for everyone involved.
And, I remind myself that this same impatience, and forgetfulness of why things are set up the way they are, is exactly what leads to lots of the negatives that happen in international adoption - even when that wasn't the heart behind the motivation. On the large scale we have the recent example of the Americans that tried to take the group of children out of Haiti that have been in the news lately. On the smaller scale we have folks even in the adoption process that damage the reputation of all Americans with their impatience of the foreign process that can feel like a lack of respect for culture and people or their expectations that they've placed that were never promised. To just the impatience of people in the process that causes the adoption agencies to always cloud time lines and try to lower expectations to try to minimize the number of people that are frustrated with the process and taking it out on them.
I guess, it comes down to reminding myself that really, its not all about me. When I try to think of what my caseworker, in-country staff, daughter, country, courts, family is feeling and going through and doing through all of this - when I keep my focus on the OTHERS in the process instead of on my wants and desires, then I find a lot more patience with the process.
The next time I start whining - please throw this post back in my face!
I check my words, I re-phrase, I type and then delete and second guess right up to the deadline - and then I hope and pray It's good. I hope and pray that she understands that we love her already, but that its OK that she probably doesn't love us yet. I hope and pray that my best intentions come through despite all the challenges. I hope and pray that she does not feel any expectations but understand that we're excited to get to know her and that she can be herself, whatever that may be.
Patience - I'm forever telling my kids that its a virtue and yet that doesn't seem to help me attain it anymore than it helps them. So I've been thinking about how I tend to keep my level head at the end of these adoptions, when I battle the impatience all the time.
I realized today that I constantly remember that my joy is tempered with sadness and loss, and knowing that helps my patience. Adoption is definitely about joy and love and family and fun and all kinds of good and warm feelings for everyone involved. And right now, I am overjoyed to be beginning the final phase and getting that much closer to having my daughter home. However, I also know too well though, that adoption is also about loss and pain and sadness, struggle and injustice for everyone involved. So, right now, I am also burdened imagining what my daughter is going through, having just learned about a new family and the joy I hope that brings, but also knowing that it must bring fear of the unknown, sadness and loss of leaving all that she has ever known. I can't imagine that now - let alone at age 11-13. Without divulging her story I also think of her remaining family member - and all the same joy and sadness they are feeling. Remembering this - remembering all that is processing now, gives me an odd patience, knowing that time is good to help the brain and the heart move in a new direction.
Patience also comes in the trust I have to place in my agency and their staff. The fact is, I've never met my daughter, but they have a relationship with her. That, plus the fact that they have helped transition lots of other children gives them wisdom from past experiences. I believe that these folks - especially the in-country staff - honestly want what is best for my daughter. They are working hard to move the process forward. And, I remember that as frustrating as all the red tape is, it too is important. That structure in the long run is what keeps children safe, protected and the process by which to do everything everyone can to make sure that this is really the best thing for everyone involved.
And, I remind myself that this same impatience, and forgetfulness of why things are set up the way they are, is exactly what leads to lots of the negatives that happen in international adoption - even when that wasn't the heart behind the motivation. On the large scale we have the recent example of the Americans that tried to take the group of children out of Haiti that have been in the news lately. On the smaller scale we have folks even in the adoption process that damage the reputation of all Americans with their impatience of the foreign process that can feel like a lack of respect for culture and people or their expectations that they've placed that were never promised. To just the impatience of people in the process that causes the adoption agencies to always cloud time lines and try to lower expectations to try to minimize the number of people that are frustrated with the process and taking it out on them.
I guess, it comes down to reminding myself that really, its not all about me. When I try to think of what my caseworker, in-country staff, daughter, country, courts, family is feeling and going through and doing through all of this - when I keep my focus on the OTHERS in the process instead of on my wants and desires, then I find a lot more patience with the process.
The next time I start whining - please throw this post back in my face!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Waiting
So, I've never been a very patient person - good or bad, I'd just as soon get it over with. Right now, we're done with the paperchase for our fifth and we're just waiting. We're waiting for the dossier to go to DC. We're waiting for it to get to Ethiopia. We're waiting for it to be translated. We're waiting for a court date. We're waiting for travel. We're waiting.... for several more months yet, and that's assuming it all goes well.
It does kinda get to me, which is why my really unhealthy answer is to try not to think about the reality in much detail... because then the not-knowing and the waiting, might just kill me. When you get this close though, its harder to get the thoughts out of your brain: Does she know yet? Have they told her? What did she think? What does her brother think? I can't even imagine that. I had a tough time just writing the first letter - what does one say when they are introducing themselves to their hopefully soon to be school-aged daughter in a letter? I try not to think about what her days are like as she knows they are limited. About the things she will miss, and the things she won't. If she has any kind of clue the upside down her life is going to turn in just a few months. I try not to picture her at school, and with her friends. And I try not to picture her coming "home" each day virtually un-noticed.
I try not to think about what it will be like when she comes home - what do I know of raising a tween daughter? I try not to picture her playing with the girls on the cul-de-sac, and picking on her brothers and being frustrated by her baby sister. I try not to picture another bike in the garage, and where she will hang her towel and how empty the dinner table feels now. I try not to go to the store and search for just the perfect thing to put in her backpack for the plane ride, or what might look good in her hair or wonder what her actual clothing size is.
I try not to think about all these things, but its a pretty hard fight...
It does kinda get to me, which is why my really unhealthy answer is to try not to think about the reality in much detail... because then the not-knowing and the waiting, might just kill me. When you get this close though, its harder to get the thoughts out of your brain: Does she know yet? Have they told her? What did she think? What does her brother think? I can't even imagine that. I had a tough time just writing the first letter - what does one say when they are introducing themselves to their hopefully soon to be school-aged daughter in a letter? I try not to think about what her days are like as she knows they are limited. About the things she will miss, and the things she won't. If she has any kind of clue the upside down her life is going to turn in just a few months. I try not to picture her at school, and with her friends. And I try not to picture her coming "home" each day virtually un-noticed.
I try not to think about what it will be like when she comes home - what do I know of raising a tween daughter? I try not to picture her playing with the girls on the cul-de-sac, and picking on her brothers and being frustrated by her baby sister. I try not to picture another bike in the garage, and where she will hang her towel and how empty the dinner table feels now. I try not to go to the store and search for just the perfect thing to put in her backpack for the plane ride, or what might look good in her hair or wonder what her actual clothing size is.
I try not to think about all these things, but its a pretty hard fight...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
