twins?

I've somewhat gotten accustomed to being stared at in public. I still don't like it - I'm quite content to be the wallflower and absolutely despise being the center of attention, but I've accepted that my family seems to draw attention in public. I've actually gotten quite adept at ignoring it... its often pretty easy to do as four children can be a bit preoccupying anyway. That is I can ignore it until someone decides to actually force themselves inside my bubble by talking to me. I despise talking to strangers and making small talk almost as much as I don't like being the center of attention. However, while my family seems to draw frequent comment from the "public" at large, I try to focus on the fact that generally, the comments are at least, well meaning.

When I had just Trevor and Easton and they were little and sitting in the double stroller, I frequently got questioned as to whether they were twins. Of course, I don't see much of a resemblance, they are 17 months apart and when they were young like that Trevor was at the top of the height and weight scales and Easton not even on the charts. Oh, and of course they are not even biologically related. But I chalked it up to them sitting in a double stroller - harder to tell height etc and they looked about the same size? I haven't gotten that comment since that time. Trevor is now more average on the charts and Easton is still barely hanging on the bottom of the charts and, I think, they look even less alike as their features really come out.

So, imagine my surprise when a woman I hadn't previously noticed came up at lunch the other day and said "I apologize for staring, but are they twins?" I'm presuming that she was talking about Trevor and Easton again - though, "they" in a sea of 4 children is kinda nondescript. I figure that because I'm giving her the credit of noticing that the other two children are African. Now, its possible that she thought they were twins.... they at least are the two that are actually biologically related and do have similar traits - but TWINS? They are 7 and 2. Kenzie is in a highchair and BJ is clearly not a baby anymore. So, I'm guessing that she didn't think it was them. However, with Easton and Trevor you're back to the fact that while they are closer in size with Easton being so tiny there is still like a 2 size clothing difference - a pretty noticeable difference in age, I feel. But, whatever.

So, not knowing who she was talking about for sure, I bury all the sarcastic things that pop into my head and instead answer "No, all three of the boys are only 17 months apart". To which the woman answers "Way to go, mom!". Thankfully she walks away at this point because I have even less of an idea on what to say to that...

Where to start?

I'm trying to write the second letter to our daughter. I'm trying, but its hard to start. I second guess everything. I'm walking a fine line - what does she want to hear? Do you write about what you ate for dinner and the errands you ran today... probably not. Do you write about celebrating Trevor's birthday and the overnight trip to visit the aunt and uncle? Do you write about what you're feeling or wonder aloud about what she must be going through? Do you try be supportive, but does that ignore the fact that really you're still a stranger? Do you be serious or funny? What does one say to a 11-13 year old girl, who speaks another language, lives in another culture - is hopefully going to be your daughter but for now is just learning about her new family?

I check my words, I re-phrase, I type and then delete and second guess right up to the deadline - and then I hope and pray It's good. I hope and pray that she understands that we love her already, but that its OK that she probably doesn't love us yet. I hope and pray that my best intentions come through despite all the challenges. I hope and pray that she does not feel any expectations but understand that we're excited to get to know her and that she can be herself, whatever that may be.

Patience - I'm forever telling my kids that its a virtue and yet that doesn't seem to help me attain it anymore than it helps them. So I've been thinking about how I tend to keep my level head at the end of these adoptions, when I battle the impatience all the time.

I realized today that I constantly remember that my joy is tempered with sadness and loss, and knowing that helps my patience. Adoption is definitely about joy and love and family and fun and all kinds of good and warm feelings for everyone involved. And right now, I am overjoyed to be beginning the final phase and getting that much closer to having my daughter home. However, I also know too well though, that adoption is also about loss and pain and sadness, struggle and injustice for everyone involved. So, right now, I am also burdened imagining what my daughter is going through, having just learned about a new family and the joy I hope that brings, but also knowing that it must bring fear of the unknown, sadness and loss of leaving all that she has ever known. I can't imagine that now - let alone at age 11-13. Without divulging her story I also think of her remaining family member - and all the same joy and sadness they are feeling. Remembering this - remembering all that is processing now, gives me an odd patience, knowing that time is good to help the brain and the heart move in a new direction.

Patience also comes in the trust I have to place in my agency and their staff. The fact is, I've never met my daughter, but they have a relationship with her. That, plus the fact that they have helped transition lots of other children gives them wisdom from past experiences. I believe that these folks - especially the in-country staff - honestly want what is best for my daughter. They are working hard to move the process forward. And, I remember that as frustrating as all the red tape is, it too is important. That structure in the long run is what keeps children safe, protected and the process by which to do everything everyone can to make sure that this is really the best thing for everyone involved.

And, I remind myself that this same impatience, and forgetfulness of why things are set up the way they are, is exactly what leads to lots of the negatives that happen in international adoption - even when that wasn't the heart behind the motivation. On the large scale we have the recent example of the Americans that tried to take the group of children out of Haiti that have been in the news lately. On the smaller scale we have folks even in the adoption process that damage the reputation of all Americans with their impatience of the foreign process that can feel like a lack of respect for culture and people or their expectations that they've placed that were never promised. To just the impatience of people in the process that causes the adoption agencies to always cloud time lines and try to lower expectations to try to minimize the number of people that are frustrated with the process and taking it out on them.

I guess, it comes down to reminding myself that really, its not all about me. When I try to think of what my caseworker, in-country staff, daughter, country, courts, family is feeling and going through and doing through all of this - when I keep my focus on the OTHERS in the process instead of on my wants and desires, then I find a lot more patience with the process.

The next time I start whining - please throw this post back in my face!