I have started this post several times and I can't seem to be satisfied with it. I have a biological child and a child adopted from Russia and two (and almost 3) adopted from Ethiopia. This fact is a part of the make-up of our family, and yet it isn't something that singularly defines us. Sure, adoption presents challenges... my kids have already been through more than many Americans have seen in a lifetime. Its true that a lot of those challenges still affect our day to day. However, that doesn't make them any less my kids, my loves, my babies (though the older boys might like to dispute this!). My heart breaks with their sorrows and leaps with their successes. I take joy as they grow in learning more about who they are, and they are wonderful!
The reality of our daily life is so far from perfect - because we are so far from being perfect parents and yes, they are far from perfectly behaved children. I wouldn't have it any other way. Our family gets lots of practice with grace and forgiveness. We get on each others nerves, we press each others buttons. Sometimes we regret our choices and our actions. However, we LOVE each other. We really are a party wherever we go! The boys really are each others best friends. Lulu is a princess who is spoiled and loved by all. Everyone is excited for a new older sister, and we're all trying to fight any expectations so we can give her the freedom to be who she is. We have our fair share of struggles but we're filled with joys too - Kenzie starting to talk, Easton's peaceful smile when you tell him you are proud of him, Behailu when he's laughing, Trevor when he wants to snuggle and Ayelech sharing a shy smile. Life is not perfect, but it sure is good.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Wins!
We've had some wins lately! All of my wonderful kiddos have their own unique obstacles to overcome and they've all been making big strides and working super hard and making amazing breakthroughs! Its good to focus on the fun and lately life has been pretty good!
Trev - has a long story but suffice it say he's got a high IQ and I don't say that in a bragging way since, I've learned you can be so smart its heartbreaking at times. Anyway, no surprise that his teacher is nominating him for the gifted and talented program next year. The amazing part was more in Trevor's excitement and can-do attitude! He's gaining confidence which is super awesome to see and he's starting to find adaptations that can ease his anxiety before it even occurs. Way to go Trevor - its so awesome to watch you growing right into yourself and smiling along the way! What a difference a year makes!
Beej - has come a long way. Man, to think of the things he was struggling with still 6 & 12 months ago and his successes! Beej has not been in trouble at lunch for months and its been weeks since he got caught lying! He's so well-liked and joyful, you can't help but be happy around him! To think that just 2 years ago he was just beginning to learn English and now he's in the top reading group at school! What an awesome kid!
ET - is really working on his reactions. The things he has been able to learn now that he can better control his behavior - just recently his handwriting has improved drastically, he can now tie his own shoes, last night he played several games with the family at one sitting and he has more patience in general for any task at hand. And bonus, we actually get to see him more because he's not constantly in time-out or in his room screaming. What fun! Its awesome to start to see his smile as he realizes and is proud of the things he's been accomplishing too!
Lulu - is really getting quite an understandable vocabulary! It is such a joy to be able to understand most of what she's trying to communicate! It's also awesome to watch her personality come out. She's very determined and independent, but at the same time patient with herself. She's also caring of others - bringing her brothers tissues when they cry or giving a smile and a hug when they are sad. Wish me luck in potty-training, little independent missy hasn't yet embraced the benefits of that yet...
Dave and I are enjoying lots of different blessings - all these four and their wins are some of the most fun! I know a lot of folks think I'm crazy but even when I'm frustrated I wouldn't change a thing about my life - I feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world spending my days with this crew!
Trev - has a long story but suffice it say he's got a high IQ and I don't say that in a bragging way since, I've learned you can be so smart its heartbreaking at times. Anyway, no surprise that his teacher is nominating him for the gifted and talented program next year. The amazing part was more in Trevor's excitement and can-do attitude! He's gaining confidence which is super awesome to see and he's starting to find adaptations that can ease his anxiety before it even occurs. Way to go Trevor - its so awesome to watch you growing right into yourself and smiling along the way! What a difference a year makes!
Beej - has come a long way. Man, to think of the things he was struggling with still 6 & 12 months ago and his successes! Beej has not been in trouble at lunch for months and its been weeks since he got caught lying! He's so well-liked and joyful, you can't help but be happy around him! To think that just 2 years ago he was just beginning to learn English and now he's in the top reading group at school! What an awesome kid!
ET - is really working on his reactions. The things he has been able to learn now that he can better control his behavior - just recently his handwriting has improved drastically, he can now tie his own shoes, last night he played several games with the family at one sitting and he has more patience in general for any task at hand. And bonus, we actually get to see him more because he's not constantly in time-out or in his room screaming. What fun! Its awesome to start to see his smile as he realizes and is proud of the things he's been accomplishing too!
Lulu - is really getting quite an understandable vocabulary! It is such a joy to be able to understand most of what she's trying to communicate! It's also awesome to watch her personality come out. She's very determined and independent, but at the same time patient with herself. She's also caring of others - bringing her brothers tissues when they cry or giving a smile and a hug when they are sad. Wish me luck in potty-training, little independent missy hasn't yet embraced the benefits of that yet...
Dave and I are enjoying lots of different blessings - all these four and their wins are some of the most fun! I know a lot of folks think I'm crazy but even when I'm frustrated I wouldn't change a thing about my life - I feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world spending my days with this crew!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Peace (part 2)
So, I wanted to put a little addendum to the previous post. That's all true... after freaking for a day, I am at peace with the unknown in the process again. There is a little more to the story.
I'm not going to get on my soapbox, but suffice it to say that I am all for a process that protects children from harm and makes it harder for people - whether they be potential adoptive families, agencies, government officials - to act unethically. There is a peace in understanding WHY the changes are necessary.
Also, I can't help but look on the bright side. In the large scheme of things, this is not a very difficult "change" to swallow. I've seen a lot worse changes take place in the midst of adoption processes. From wait time's that become years, to natural disasters, to requirements changing that you have to spend months living in the foreign country to absolute closures. In light of all these possibilities, if all I have to do is take two trips -- I'll count myself lucky.
To be real, I'd rather NOT make the 2 trips - its a lot more money than we were expecting and its hard to be away from the kids at home and to find care for the kids at home once let alone twice, and had we known we would have budgeted vacation time differently, and its hard to leave her. What about my daughter? I'm going to whine about process and my daughter has been sitting in an orphanage for the last two years, lots of other difficult losses prior to that, has to leave all she has ever known and join a new family half a world away? There's a little perspective...
And there really are a lot of great things - more time in Ethiopia and getting to hug my daughter weeks before I ever thought I would. Those joys are still precious and worth being thankful for. Plus, it all ends with the amazing blessing of a tween/teen daughter. Think I'll just count my blessings....
I'm not going to get on my soapbox, but suffice it to say that I am all for a process that protects children from harm and makes it harder for people - whether they be potential adoptive families, agencies, government officials - to act unethically. There is a peace in understanding WHY the changes are necessary.
Also, I can't help but look on the bright side. In the large scheme of things, this is not a very difficult "change" to swallow. I've seen a lot worse changes take place in the midst of adoption processes. From wait time's that become years, to natural disasters, to requirements changing that you have to spend months living in the foreign country to absolute closures. In light of all these possibilities, if all I have to do is take two trips -- I'll count myself lucky.
To be real, I'd rather NOT make the 2 trips - its a lot more money than we were expecting and its hard to be away from the kids at home and to find care for the kids at home once let alone twice, and had we known we would have budgeted vacation time differently, and its hard to leave her. What about my daughter? I'm going to whine about process and my daughter has been sitting in an orphanage for the last two years, lots of other difficult losses prior to that, has to leave all she has ever known and join a new family half a world away? There's a little perspective...
And there really are a lot of great things - more time in Ethiopia and getting to hug my daughter weeks before I ever thought I would. Those joys are still precious and worth being thankful for. Plus, it all ends with the amazing blessing of a tween/teen daughter. Think I'll just count my blessings....
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Peace without a plan
Honestly, when I first heard the changes in Ethiopian adoptions, I'll admit it, I freaked. I'm a planner. Granted, I often don't FOLLOW the plan (enter my friend ms. constant procrastinator), but its a comfort to HAVE a plan. This being our third adoption & 4th adopted child, I know that this sense of needing to plan ahead doesn't mesh well with the overall process. There are ALWAYS unknowns - and I always freak at the end of the process when I get the call to book travel just two weeks later - as if I didn't know it was coming?! But, the quicker I get the plans made - the quicker I feel better.
With these changes, and where we are in the process, I've had to learn to make peace without a plan. Funny how God knows just the ways you need to grow, eh? Will we need to make 1 or 2 trips? Unknown. 50/50. Any one's guess. Can't much plan when you don't know what you're planning for, right?
And so in my day of freaking, I was mostly freaking over childcare for the 4 others here at home. I can't really make a solid plan since I don't know how many trips or when they are. BUT, I was able to make plans A, B & C... in that order since I learned in the first adoption that consistency of care for those at home is one of the keys to their smooth transitions. In the process of making plans A, B & C - not only did I find the peace of knowing SOMEHOW it will all work out, I was reminded that I am hugely blessed, and it's one of the reasons we adopt in the first place. That's just it - it will eventually happen... no matter the number of trips and amount it costs... we are backed by a whole network of family and friends that will also do anything they can to bring her home.
Now, I look at my future daughter, and I remember why I'm doing this, I remember what I know the end result to be, and I'm reminded that I would go to the ends of the earth and back for this child - and I wouldn't be alone on the journey... and in that plan-less state... I have found amazing peace with whatever and whenever it goes from here.
With these changes, and where we are in the process, I've had to learn to make peace without a plan. Funny how God knows just the ways you need to grow, eh? Will we need to make 1 or 2 trips? Unknown. 50/50. Any one's guess. Can't much plan when you don't know what you're planning for, right?
And so in my day of freaking, I was mostly freaking over childcare for the 4 others here at home. I can't really make a solid plan since I don't know how many trips or when they are. BUT, I was able to make plans A, B & C... in that order since I learned in the first adoption that consistency of care for those at home is one of the keys to their smooth transitions. In the process of making plans A, B & C - not only did I find the peace of knowing SOMEHOW it will all work out, I was reminded that I am hugely blessed, and it's one of the reasons we adopt in the first place. That's just it - it will eventually happen... no matter the number of trips and amount it costs... we are backed by a whole network of family and friends that will also do anything they can to bring her home.
Now, I look at my future daughter, and I remember why I'm doing this, I remember what I know the end result to be, and I'm reminded that I would go to the ends of the earth and back for this child - and I wouldn't be alone on the journey... and in that plan-less state... I have found amazing peace with whatever and whenever it goes from here.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
wisdom
I used to think that as I got older, I would grow wiser. As a young person, I could never understand how some people could do some things. I was judgemental of them - their lives, their character. Now I'm wise enough to know that I may not understand but that even I make mistakes that my younger self never would have understood or believed. I've learned that one of my biggest mistakes was thinking "I would never do that". I've learned a lot about grace. I've learned about rock bottom, and the end of my rope. I've realized I have a lot to be thankful that I don't have first hand experience with. I've learned a lot about grace. And forgiveness. And hurt. And pain. I've learned about feeling helpless and needing help and being a helper. I've learned... that I still have a lot to learn.
If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all...
I'm constantly inundated with well meaning people and comments, which is ironic, since I'm the kind of person that is 'socially challenged' and awful at small talk. I'd have to say the hardest part of being the mom of this unique family is that it seems to make people think that they should comment. Honestly, I've heard the horror stories - some people encounter awful and ugly comments. No doubt my day will eventually come, but I've not experienced any of these. No, I can tell that all the comments are very well-meaning. Really, I've gotten all the classics and then some and I get them every day. I'm generally pretty sarcastic so given that mostly these comments come from acquaintances or strangers I have to bite a pretty big hole in my tongue - my natural reaction is not so polite.
One of my faves is the "Wow, I don't know how you do it!". Do what??? Don't know how I live my life? Let's see, don't know how I parent 4 children? Don't know how I adopt? Deal with these particular 4 kids? be a mom in a bi-racial family? feed my children? do the laundry? Don't know how I do what exactly, because I've yet to come up with an answer to what that "it" is that is actually not a huge insult in disguise. What they really mean, I think, is "I'm really glad I'm not you, because I could never do it." Also pretty big insult, despite the fact that they seem to make this comment with a bit of admiration. The thing is "you" COULD do "it", you just don't WANT to. While I wish these comments were really kept to yourself, I do try to focus on that admiration piece. Let's face it - there are plenty of folks that I admire, respect and are even grateful for what they are sacrificing and giving the world with their lives - and I'd never want to exchange my life with theirs because while I COULD do it, I'd be miserable. Course, I don't go around telling them "Wow, I don't know HOW you do it?!?" but still, they do mean well at least.
The other thing I think with this type of comment is that I really don't deserve it - the admiration, that is. If you only knew, whatever "it" is, what I know is that it isn't really THAT hard. Hard to love and be blessed by 4 (almost 5!) children? Getting to spend my days with them, watching them grow? Even the "work" has benefits, and if I - quite possibly the worst 'homemaker' on planet earth can do it, anyone can do it. Sure there are many of them and the 3 boys are really close in age and they each have their challenges but there is a lot that's easier. For example, its true that almost every night there is someone unhappy about what's for dinner - but the flip side is that no matter what there is someone who is! I also don't have to seek out play dates or activities - we are a party wherever we are. While peace and quite are rare here - so is loneliness and boredom. Sure, I'm not gonna lie. My family can drive me absolutely insane. I fail routinely in being the wife and mother I envision I'd like to be. I love my crazy life!
The comment that often follows "I don't know how you do it!" is "They are blessed to have you". Well, now I know you mean well but are really clueless - because that's just it - how do I do it? Because I'm blessed to have them...
One of my faves is the "Wow, I don't know how you do it!". Do what??? Don't know how I live my life? Let's see, don't know how I parent 4 children? Don't know how I adopt? Deal with these particular 4 kids? be a mom in a bi-racial family? feed my children? do the laundry? Don't know how I do what exactly, because I've yet to come up with an answer to what that "it" is that is actually not a huge insult in disguise. What they really mean, I think, is "I'm really glad I'm not you, because I could never do it." Also pretty big insult, despite the fact that they seem to make this comment with a bit of admiration. The thing is "you" COULD do "it", you just don't WANT to. While I wish these comments were really kept to yourself, I do try to focus on that admiration piece. Let's face it - there are plenty of folks that I admire, respect and are even grateful for what they are sacrificing and giving the world with their lives - and I'd never want to exchange my life with theirs because while I COULD do it, I'd be miserable. Course, I don't go around telling them "Wow, I don't know HOW you do it?!?" but still, they do mean well at least.
The other thing I think with this type of comment is that I really don't deserve it - the admiration, that is. If you only knew, whatever "it" is, what I know is that it isn't really THAT hard. Hard to love and be blessed by 4 (almost 5!) children? Getting to spend my days with them, watching them grow? Even the "work" has benefits, and if I - quite possibly the worst 'homemaker' on planet earth can do it, anyone can do it. Sure there are many of them and the 3 boys are really close in age and they each have their challenges but there is a lot that's easier. For example, its true that almost every night there is someone unhappy about what's for dinner - but the flip side is that no matter what there is someone who is! I also don't have to seek out play dates or activities - we are a party wherever we are. While peace and quite are rare here - so is loneliness and boredom. Sure, I'm not gonna lie. My family can drive me absolutely insane. I fail routinely in being the wife and mother I envision I'd like to be. I love my crazy life!
The comment that often follows "I don't know how you do it!" is "They are blessed to have you". Well, now I know you mean well but are really clueless - because that's just it - how do I do it? Because I'm blessed to have them...
Friday, March 5, 2010
I'm Ready...
I'm so ready to go back to Ethiopia. Last time I was there, I left a piece of my heart. Now, I have a daughter there, too. I'm ready to go back. I saw a wonderful video of her and I just long to be back. I'm so past ready. I can't post the video here, but I assure you, its amazing... SHE is amazing. I am in awe of her already. I don't know her age - 11-15? I don't know much about her, but I love her and I'm ready. I've supported friends on mission trips, I've celebrated with friends who traveled to bring home daughters and sons and I was honored to do so. Now, I'm ready, ready to go back, to be back. Now, my heart longs to be there...
After 2 years, I still can't really put my feelings into words - this song by Sara Groves comes the best of anything I've seen...
I Saw What I Saw by Sara Groves
I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it
Something on the road, cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
And what I know of love
We've done what we've done and we can't erase it
We are what we are and it's more than enough
We have what we have but it's no substitution
Something on the road, cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
And what I know of love
I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have but I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction
Something on the road, cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
And what I know of love
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
Your courage asks me what I am made of
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
And what I know of love
And what I know of God
After 2 years, I still can't really put my feelings into words - this song by Sara Groves comes the best of anything I've seen...
I Saw What I Saw by Sara Groves
I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it
Something on the road, cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
And what I know of love
We've done what we've done and we can't erase it
We are what we are and it's more than enough
We have what we have but it's no substitution
Something on the road, cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
And what I know of love
I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have but I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction
Something on the road, cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
And what I know of love
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
Your courage asks me what I am made of
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
And what I know of love
And what I know of God
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